Are you one of those parents who has lots of anxiety over the effect technology is having on our kiddos, especially their obsessive need to have faces buried in tablets? Would you like even more stress and anxiety mixed with guilt over what you’ve allowed to happen? Then read this book. Ok, I’m sort of joking about that. I actually think this book presents some amazing points and amazing ideas for breaking the hold technology has on our kids, though I did have some issues with it. That being said, I want to make it clear that my response to this book is solely my opinion on the issue. I don’t wish to imply any one philosophy or style is correct or incorrect. We are all doing our best. Let’s get into it, shall we?

Erin Loechner was a pioneer on the world wide web. Along with a handful of others, she paved the way for tech-savvy people to build websites, create blogs, and share ideas. All those “influencers” today who broadcast every single detail of their daily lives for clicks, those parents whose children are growing up on the other side of a camera so strangers can oooh and ahhh about how cute they are while simultaneously putting money in mommy and daddy’s pockets, can thank people like Loechner for building the foundation that made that a reality. Loechner, however, saw the writing on the wall and walked away from it all. Now it saddens her to see a child sitting on the playground equipment outside staring at a phone instead of actually playing, never once looking up or out at the wide world around them. Yeah, that’s tragic. We made that. What do we do about it?

Loechner, in her book The Opt-Out Family presents a different all-encompassing approach to parenting a child in today’s world. Using the playbook from big tech giants who created this whole mess by designing algorithms for the purpose of creating a bunch of tech-addicted zombies, she turns the tables and shows parents how we can use those same methods for actually engaging with our children and bringing the family back to real life instead of online life. Yes, this is necessary. This is something all families should be trying to do. The book is simple, clear, sometimes a bit repetitive, but it’s never really boring.

So what did I not like about it? Because, I have to say, I felt sort of uncomfortable the whole way through and at first couldn’t place why. Upon reflection, it’s just not achievable. Loechner takes an all or nothing approach. Say NO to every type of technology. Get rid of the tablets. Don’t ever give your children phones. Cover up the tv and don’t use it. Contact your children’s schools and sports teams and tell them you need different modes of communication than apps and emails. Opt-out and opt-out all the way. Sure, that may sound great in theory, but that sounds like something most families would try for a day or two and just give up on, like a crash diet. Two days into munching on carrots with fat-free ranch dressing and cardboard-tasting wheat crackers you find yourself with your whole face plunged into a plate of spaghetti because it was just too much too fast. I will always believe there’s a happy medium that doesn’t equate to a recipe for failure.

Additionally, can we address the elephant in the room that is technology itself? It is here. It is not going anywhere unless the apocalypse happens and we all go back to foraging for food and fighting off bad guys with scary homemade weapons with oddly cutesy names. Our children need to at least understand it. In the future, a vast majority of jobs will be in tech fields. Little Susie may be able to name all the species of flower found at her local park, but if she can’t operate a simple digital device, she will have a major disadvantage amongst her peers who are all taking high-powered tech jobs because they kept up with the times.

I do think we can still inspire wonder in our kids outside of the digital worlds in which they seem to find their joy. I do see the harm that comes from too much device use, from rising levels of anxiety and depression to a less active and more sedentary lifestyle. More than taking away, we should focus on giving. Put down our own devices, look them in the eye, and connect. Make time for outings. Make time to talk, go on walks without distractions and show them what it looks like to be curious and engaged. I think of this the same way I think of censorship. If they will be exposed to it eventually, they should be shown how to navigate it in a healthy way by you and not the outside influences who don’t have their best interests at heart. You aren’t a gatekeeper keeping them isolated inside a bubble in hopes they won’t ever see or hear something you don’t like. You are a sounding board to be there when they see something or experience something that confuses them or makes them uncomfortable. Where does fear come from? More often than not, it’s bred from ignorance. This doesn’t include that natural instinct that tells us something is dangerous. Should you fear jumping off a cliff without a parachute? Yes, your body fears that for a reason. Should you fear a spider you found in the garden? No, probably not. And if you know how to identify spiders, you will know whether it’s a friend or a bitey one that will give an ouchie that rots your flesh. Either way, leave it alone and let it live its best life. Lack of ignorance of a subject has given you the ability to see something for the delicate and amazing creature that it is instead of some frightening “other.” And it probably saved a life.

Also, let’s think about this a little bit. Loechner has a pretty widespread online presence with a website, as well as a blog. All of which we all have to access from a digital device, which she is decrying in every post. Sure, I read her ideas in an old fashioned book, but these days you simply have to have an online presence to market yourself. I’m in no way disparaging Loechner for using technology to spread the word about her anti-technology theories. She really doesn’t have a choice. In today’s world, tech literacy is a must for everyone and I don’t think we can, in good conscience, deprive our children of that.

Basically, I think this is a valuable book if you don’t take things too seriously. It has some great ideas but it’s a little too ambitious in its approach. I will not be swiftly embracing the opt-out family status, but I have started already using some of the ideas presented by Loecher. And I’ve tried to be more cognizant of my own behavior in front of my children. Instead of sitting down and busying myself on my phone catching up on social media posts, blog stats, or those dreadfully addicting mobile games, I try to remind myself to put down my device, because it can all wait. My children, however, are aging by the minute and are modeling their behavior after me. The Opt-Out Family is a great reminder of all of that.

Published June 11, 2024 by Zondervan. ISBN 0310345693. Paperback. 320 pages.